All in the head.

Good: I understand what I need to do.

Bad: I can't do it alone (maybe that's not such a bad thing).

Good: Things go up.

Bad: Things go down (because I'm prideful and I forget).

Good: Red is pretty.

Bad: Red is pretty.

Somtimes I feel like I'm addicted to drugs.

I'm still as sober as the day I was born, though. Must all be in my head. That's refreshing. ...right?

Sometimes You Suck.

Dear World,
Sometimes you Suck.
Love,
Brittany

Ok, I understand that I also suck fairly often, but that doesn't mean that the world sucks any less. I learned something today, though. Sometimes I get "held back" so that I can be in the right place at the right time... which is super awesome, but we'll see in just a little while if it really is what I thought it was.

Also, I really do have a lot of blessings. If I didn't know any better I would start talking about all the stuff that sucked today, but I do know better and I will not talk about all the stuff that sucked today. Instead, I'm going to talk about all the stuff that does not suck.

1. I talked on the phone last night with my sister. We discussed how awesome we are.
2. Some cool man on TV stuck up for the beliefs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
3. The Atonement is real.
4. I bet one day, when the government fails, we are going to have to live in the wilderness for a while (not suck=awesome).
5. I gave a lady an "I'm a Mormon" card today... she proceeded to give me a job offer.
6. Kyle jumped my car.
7. My dad loves and knows me super well.
8. Temples are cool and I get to go tomorrow.
9. One time, I had a dog named Buster :)
10. Stuff only sucks sometimes, but all of the time it's good.

Dear World,
Today wasn't too bad.
I'll see you soon.
Love,
Brittany

Faith and Hope

"I smoke pot because it expands my mind." - YW (Anasazi youth- youngwalker)

(all of this information is through the perspective of the person interviewed, circumstances
may be different than described, but they could also be exactly as he said)

YW grew up in an unstable environment, just him and his mom. She let the responsibility of raising YW fall upon her parents, or YW's grandparents. When she did come around she played more of a "friend" role instead of a parent."I just want my mom to actually be my mom... When I have kids I'm going to give them the discipline I never had."

YW has joined a few gangs and is currently in one that resembles the Skin Heads. "I can't get out of it because they'll kill me. The only thing I could do would be to move, but we don't have enough money for that." He said the two most important things to him are his
"brotherhood, number one and (his) girlfriend, for sure."

"What if I don't want to change?" is a question he asked in response to another.

I asked YW if he'd ever felt JOY in his life before. He answered "yes" and proceeded to tell me what two things had brought it to him. After hearing his answers initially I wondered if I should have defined JOY better... after hearing his reasoning behind his answers, however, I believe he knew exactly what I was asking.

"Doing drugs and my girlfriend," was his answer.

"...she gives me hope, faith, she makes me laugh. I've cried over her and fought for her. She's always been there. I'm emotionally attached. She helped me with mistakes...
It's good to know you have someone at the end of the day.

"Drugs destroyed all worries and made me happy. I was my own person. But it makes you a monster after a while and you can't live with that. But I did it because it destroyed my problems. I go through withdrawals and the physical problems of it because I want the positive."

His desires were pure. Who doesn't want to have faith, hope, to be cared for and to be happy? He only is aware of a few ways, however, that will bring about those desired ends (however temporary and unreal those feelings may be). I think we can all agree that there are much more positive ways to bring about those ends. Ways that might actually make those feelings of faith and happiness stay in your life. We can all see that what he wants is positive, but his actions are negative.

He doesn't know exactly what the rock is, but he knows what it represents and he wants it.

This past week might have been the best week of my entire life.

Fun. Love. Laughter. Progress.

The week prior, this particular group of boys had a very difficult time.
Hard hike, hard staff, hard individual trials, etc., etc.

"I think last week was the hardest week of probably my entire life."- Young Walker

We decided that FUN was the only solution.

Lots of good quotes came from what became, the week of nonstop laughter.
Here are a few with some background information...

One young walker during fire circle had his little bag of tang out and was dipping the wooden spoon into it, then back into his mouth (the young walkers like to do this till their tongues bleed). It was dark outside and all of a sudden we see him lean forward and start spitting something out of his mouth. Turns out he missed his bag of tang and got a spoon full of sand. This quote followed shortly thereafter:

"The only reason Jesus turned water into wine is because He didn't have sand to turn into tang."

This is just a good reminder of what necessities really are:
"I'd do anything for a trashcan fire right now."

A young walker requested a Book of Mormon from his shadow (therapist). His parents are not LDS and really didn't think he would receive one. He decided if they didn't give him one he would ask for the Satanic bible.

"Well" he said, concluding the conversation, "I'll either be storing food in the basement or making crop circles in the backyard."

All around a good week :)

Not only was it hilarious, but a very effective week out on the trail.
Every single boy in the band made outstanding progress.
Challenges were accepted and acted upon, personal concerns were brought up and discussed, acceptance of and a desire to lift one another in the band became a priority,
and the purpose of ANASAZI (to turn hearts homeward and eyes upward) remained the focus.

I love what I do.

Same Rock, Different Angle.

This is a rock.

It's a big rock.

There's only one rock.

This rock is what makes us happy.
It's whatever it is that makes you happy.

Everyone sees, feels, smells, hears, and tastes the rock differently.
We all have different perspectives of it because we've grown up in different circumstances. We've acquired different likes/dislikes.
We are all in different positions in life where we see the rock from different angles.

But it's all the same rock.

Imagine this:
We see the rock from every position possible and therefore know the rock for exactly what it is.

Crazy, right?

Not crazy.

So, in order to see all sides of the rock, we've gotta start moving.
We have to start seeing what other people see.

So what is it that makes you happy? What is it that makes your mom happy? Your dad?
Your dog? The tree outside?
Now what do they all have in common?

Let's find out.

Change.

I like to complain and think about solutions to problems rather than actually trying to solve them.

I like to think about what I'm going to do when I grow up rather than actually realizing that I'm already grown up and doing what I talk about.

I have big ideas but I don't ever really get to planning them out.

Someone once tried to teach me to start small. I didn't listen. But now I'm remembering what he told me... that's good, right?

It's about becoming. It's about enjoying and being where you are.

Also, I love America and I love the year 2012.

I have an idea.

This week was really funny.

I'm not even going to tell the drama that went down because I don't trust the internet.

I did learn a few things though, unrelated to the drama.

I learned about the Rock that can be seen from different angles.
While that is true, a rock can be seen from different angles and still be correct, there is one way to see the rock that is the most and complete correct.
Repentence allows us to, through a changed perspective and view of oneself, God, or life, see something more closely to how it truely is.
God's perspective is that. He sees everything exactly how it really is.
As we repent we come closer and closer to seeing that Rock exactly how it is rather than our own interpretation of how it is.
We see it more closely to how the Lord sees it.

So, there is One Truth. Just one. We are all seeking it.

That's what I'd believed in the first place.
I love this.

Best. Week. Ever.

I loved this week. Absolutely Loved it.

I learned a lot about Love. One of the YW's told a story of his mother and how he'd felt her presence out on the trail. He later read in one of her letters that she'd had a dream that same night where she came to him while he was out in the desert and kissed his forehead.
As he told me that story I felt a small fraction of the love that mother had for her son and also of the love that son had for his mother.
I watched him later ask for a copy of the Book of Mormon from an LDS YW and he started reading it. He read like crazy. He even made a leather case for the book. He later pulled it out in front of the nurse and she nonchalantly asked if he'd seen the Promise. His eyes got wide open as he thirsted for whatever information she was about to provide. She directed him to the last two paragraphs of the introduction of the Book of Mormon and to the scripture found in Moroni 10:3-5. He ran right off to go see what it said.

I learned a lot about Faith. "I'm not sure if I want to go on a mission," he said. This particular young man had gone through more experiences with drugs and near death experiences because of the drugs than I could even imagine. He had all of these experiences yet he was the most humble, loving, caring, dedicated person I've met in a very long time. He kept on track, he didn't let his guard down. The poor kid didn't want to leave ANASAZI because he still had to deal with some consequences when he returned home. I know he'll be made better for them, though. So I wanted to challenge this YW to pray to know whether or not he should serve a mission... as we talked though, I felt impressed to just have him pray about his own personal testimony. Did Jesus Christ really make it possible for us to overcome? Did Christ restore the power to act in His name to a living prophet today?
He said he would ask.
I later learned that he told another TrailWalker that he didn't know if he wanted to go on a mission because he himself wanted to be converted first. I know if He asks an answer will be given, and then once you know, you want to tell EVERYone. Oh, faith.

I learned about Hope. "I don't know if there's a Creator. There's a 50-50 change, right?... it's better to be safe then sorry." He knew that a belief in something made people live better lives. He wanted to believe in something but he wasn't sure what. Questions were coming like crazy this week, though. "What do Mormon's believe?" "Why are there so many Missionaries?" "Why do you want everyone else to belong to your religion?" That last one made me laugh. Speaking of laughing, this kid was the most hilarious person I think I've ever met in my entire life. He made me laugh SO hard. I almost peed my pants. ...or I kind of did pee my pants. He almost convinced me in a game of Mafia that I myself was the mafia, and not him. That's probably how I got so dirty this week; groveling in the dirt for my life in that game. But, anyway, this week was a turn around point for him. He started questioning life and wondering what there was to believe in. He even said he refused to do anymore drugs. He wants to change his life around and he wants something to help him. I asked him if he'd prayed before... he said no. I asked him if he would. He said yes. "Just pray to whoever you think is out there. Ask if someone is there, ask Him who He is. Bring a piece of paper with you and just write everything that comes to your mind because I know you'll receive an answer," I said. He said he would.

We had a good hiking week this week. It was pretty easy besides the mountain we had to go over that rose 1000+ feet into the sky. We hiked up that sucker and then planned to dry camp that night (no water, no fire). That night, which had the potential of being fairly difficult, ended up being one of the best nights of my life. We got in our sleeping bags after watching the most breath-taking sunset of bright reds and oranges over a landscape of rolling hills and mountains hundreds of miles away.
As we talked in our sleeping bags one thing led to another and we soon were standing up ready for a game of Worm Wars. About 5 minutes later there was a huge pile of sleeping bags with little tiny heads popping out in random places. I got a good AB workout that day from laughing so hard.
We got to lay on our backs that night and watch as the stars appeared in the sky one by one. Then we talked about the universe and how it would be impossible for there not to be other forms of life out there somewhere.
We then started singing to each other and "If you could hie to Kolob" (or another good version) came out from one of the trailwalkers. Perfect.

This week I learned of a few things that I'm lacking and of a few things that I need to do. There's a lot to do.

Oh, and Conference is this week. Watch it.

I've been thinking a lot about truth and how it is found everywhere, but then how the authority of God is only given to those whom He has called like the Prophets of old. The prophets hold the keys to access His power. That is where you can access the whole miracle.
I need to access and use it consistently or I will be of no help to those I come in contact with.

I, yet again, learned a ton this week. Another "best week ever" has now come to a close.

The Dirty Verde

This week I cried twice and I also bawled twice.
It was intense. It emotionally sucked me dry.

But I learned so much.
"the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome." Joseph B. Wirthlin

This week I walked with the girls band and trailwalker Andy. He's a good friend from school so it was good to have him around when I needed to completely break down and bawl my eyes out.

This week was a fun little hike. Nothing too intense except for when we had to swim across the Verde River twice. We ran into a couple people kayaking who said they wait till this month to cross because it's the craziest with all the snow melt. ...I guess they didn't think about that one when they planned to have a couple groups of kids swim across it.

The first hiking day was fine other than the fact that we got in a little late (after hiking for 6 hours) to where we wanted to camp and none of us could bust (make fire) so we did without that first night. That means it wasn't too warm and we could only eat what we didn't have to cook (we made cold cereal with oats, dried milk, brown sugar, and nuts... it's actually really good). The stars looked even brighter that night, though.

In the morning Andy made a new fire set with a dead saguaro placed conveniently in the middle of our campsite and was finally able to bust a coal. We got some food in us and took off again for the Verde River.

After hiking for about 5 hours over mountains and through mine fields of cactus's, we made it to the Verde River just in time to see the band ahead of us cross over. We were next.
Andy jumped in first with his pack beside him, a YW (young walker), another YW, then me.
I got to see the shocked looks on everyone's faces as the freezing cold water erased all thoughts from their minds. I jumped in and all my breath left me.

Oh, and did I mention that I can't swim very well? Yeah. I didn't make it to the designated spot for exiting the river. Good thing Kyle had an emergency exit. Me and another YW floated on down stream as Kyle ran across the shore to help us at the next possible place we could get out before the river turned to rapids.
We got there, obviously, but by this time our 30-40 lb packs weighed about 50-60 with everything being soaked with water. Kyle pulled those up mud slide and then we crawled up after them. We were soaked, all of our stuff was soaked, and we needed to get somewhere to make a fire.
We hiked for about 15 more minutes, found a good camping spot, then changed into some of Andy's clothes because he packed smart enough so all his clothes were dry. Andy's the best.

I was pretty irritated at that point because I was cold and no one was trying hard to get a fire going (even though we'd all gone through the night before with out one) and so I started to get an attitude and told people to focus.
It worked.
We got fire.
Everyone's stuff got dry.
and I also burned a few holes in my sleeping bag because I held it too close to the fire. Whoops.

The next day we went hiking again to find the next spot where we would cross. Andy got sick and threw up on the way. A YW got a migraine on the way.

We got into camp and I made it clear that we would not cross that night regardless of circumstance. ...They were planning on us not crossing anyway. The river had risen even over night and the band that had barely crossed before us had a LOT of difficulties (one trail walker got separated from his pack- it went down stream about 40 miles before some random guy found it, went through it, called anasazi thinking he'd found someone's stuff that had died in the river), and a YW got pushed down stream only yards away from a little waterfall before he miraculously grabbed a branch under water and was pulled on to shore.

I was relieved that we wouldn't have to cross but I was also pissed because that other band had so many difficulties getting across. I felt like the trail was unsafe at that point and the only thing I could do about it was gather wood. So I did.
Andy had to stop me.
As I was bringing my last pile of wood over to the fire the YW who had been trying to bust gave up.
She flipped.
"F*** this place, I'm sick of it. I'd rather be in prison. I'm sick of this. I hate being pressured. ...I'm not the screw up child." She then continued to spit out information about her life that made me sick. I was already stressed out and then listening to all of her problems brought me to tears. She was sitting there suffering (from reality or from perceptions of her own reality, either way it's hard), and I didn't know how to help.
I'm not the healer. I understand that. But it's so difficult to watch someone else suffer. I wanted to help and even if I'd had something to say, she wasn't ready for it. That was hard, too. She knew she needed to change and pull out of where she'd put herself, but she wasn't open for suggestions on how to do it. I just had to listen. It was hard.

I bawled that night to Andy. He just let me cry. Thanks Andy.

The next day we crossed the verde. Dan came. We tied two packs to the backs of Andy and Dan and One YW swam behind one, then me and the other YW swam behind the other. We made it across fine and had a fire to come to to dry everything off. Everyone's things were dry and we had a great night. Thanks Dan.

The next hike was amazing. We had such a good time.

When we got to final D we got two new rabbitsticks (a rabbit stick walker is a new YW just starting the program). One of the YW's was not OK with that which brought more drama and more crying from me.

I had the option of leaving the band for the last couple of days but there was no way in H I could have done that. Andy and I stayed and we got to name the two girls and we had a wonderful bonding experience with the both of them. Thanks girls.

I learned this week about setting personal boundaries and being in a place where I can trust the plan of Heavenly Father. I learned that He has everything under control. I learned that all I can do is be worthy of the spirit and the spirit will lead and guide me so I might know the needs of each person I come in contact with. That's all I can do.

If all I need to do is sit and listen, that's fine. That may be all they need.
People learn in different ways. Some need to be instructed every step of the way, they need someone to hold their hand and do it with them. Some people need to figure it out on their own, they need to recognize that they need something and then they can get it. Some people need others to point out the way. etc. etc.
There are so many different ways that people need to be helped. There is one way to know what each of those ways is.

The spirit, man. Life is so simple. I love it.

Logistics.

So, I've been asked by a few people to actually explain what my job is. I guess I overlooked that little detail.

The name Anasazi came from an old Indian tribe that used to live here in Arizona. 20 years ago that named was placed with the organization I now work with.

The purpose of the Anasazi program is to "turn hearts homeward". My job is to create an environment where an individual can better come to know himself, his Creator, and become one with his family. The program both works with child and parent, creating a give and take relationship where both are involved.

These kids come out to the office (sometimes willingly, sometimes after having woken up with two policemen at their bed with tazers out), and get to know everyone. We feed them pizza, give them all their gear, and teach them how to pack it up so they can carry it ("it" weighing about 50 lbs) for about 20 miles a week (over mountains, through creeks, bush waking, over cliffs, off cliffs, etc. etc.).

They then head out to the "trail" (there actually is no "trail") and let nature take care of them. They are there for at least 6 weeks and typically 7-8. During this time we (as trail walkers) do our best to insure that the environment is clear so it can be just them and nature. We present challenges and questions that help them ponder and search for answers. They learn the importance of coming together and working as one (when there is a rain storm that is not something hard to do) and we help them relate the experience to things that go on at home.

While they are out there they learn little principles like "The making of an Asking" which is the importance of realizing you need others and your humility to ask them for what they have, "The making of a trusting" being willing to trust and allow others to begin again, "new beginnings" allowing yourself to constantly move forward and let go of mistakes of the past, "blanket steppings" the actual process of removing physical or spiritual things from your life that are inhibiting, or adding more things into it, etc. They learn how to make fire out of sticks, they learn about edible plants, plants that heal sicknesses, the way of animals, the way of the sun, rocks, wind, an then they learn how everything works together in a state of "we".

As a Trail Walker I am out there every other week with whatever group I am assigned to (boys, girls, 18+), and all are very different. It always changes depending on individual needs of the Young walkers (which are the students going through the program) and my own person struggles and experiences I am going through at the time. Just as the young walkers are going through the program, so am I. I get to go out there, get angry at all the cactus', and then realize that if I would just calm down I wouldn't get stabbed so often. I get to think and learn and share my own experiences with others and help them to have their own.

It's so sweet. Everyone should work here. And also everyone should send their kids here.
It's neat getting to know the culture here and learning the true principles that are taught within the program. There are a lot.

So, there are the logistics of the program. I'm heading back out to the trail in the morning so I'll have some more stories when I make it back in a week!

"...We believe all things..."

It's been about a month and a half since I've written.

Whoops.

About one million things have happened which have resulted into millions of life lessons.

In my first week I almost fell off a cliff; I did fall and smash both of my shins, at separate times, on gigantic rocks; I sliced my finger open and the blood almost caused me to pass out; I felt the spirit speak through me and I learned that it always will if I invite it. I also learned that my ways are not His ways; I learned that I have been called to serve EVERYone not just certain individuals, and I learned that nature takes care of itself. Everything flourishes in the desert because it's all working together; in Man's world we tend to try and control things which brings it all crashing down.

My second week I howled at the moon in the middle of the night; I played a game of worm wars that made me almost pee my pants; I stayed up till at least 1, sometimes 3, every night; I hiked over various mountains; I camped beside a frozen waterfall, hiked through the darkness, and was again able to feel the spirit speak through me. I learned that my strength is not my own; I learned that it's the same Rock, just seen from a different angle; I learned that God is far more involved than I'd ever imagined; I learned that every culture, society, and individual has a different perspective and that their light is the same as mine, leading us to the same Christ who will teach us all things. If man follows the light he is given, he will recognize that Source from which all light comes.

My third week I camped through two days of rain, sleet, and snow; I climbed, by myself, to the top of a mountain and saw miles and miles of this gorgeous world and was humbled by my own ignorance; I didn't get lost once; we were blessed one thousand times to get us to where we needed to be; I learned to trust those who have been called; I learned about how awesome Jacob (from 2 Nephi) is; I decided what I want to do with my life; I've learned how simple things really are (are at least I've started to recognize it); I've learned that we "Believe all things", and I'm learning how to put all truth into one great whole.

Life is good in the AZ.

I'm excited to keep living.

Day One

We arrive at ANASAZI at 8:05 (we were supposed to be there at 8). A boy in a nice shirt and slacks walks in the building and we follow him in our hiking pants, boots, and pearl snap shirts.

I'm nervous... and also really tired which actually helped with the nervousness.

11 of us are in the training room and we started to introduce ourselves. Everyone seems nice.

There's a really good feeling in the room and in the whole building.

We find out we're going out on the trail at 1 for a primitive (we go out with nothing but the clothes on our backs).

Lunch break at noon.
I can't eat, I can't poop. I lock my keys in the car again and the famous David Holiday (really, he's totally famous), and Moroni (not the angel) get them out. I pay them in hugs.

So, now we're getting into the action. We all head out on a 3 hour trip to the trail. Three big 4 wheel drive car things head out across the desert and drop us off out in the middle of nowhere.
We only had a few hours left of day light so we immediately had to look for a place to camp and gather wood for fire and straw and leaves for bedding. We got a few big piles gathered up and got to building fires. Lindsay had her fire making set with her (carved out of wood) so she taught me real quick how to make a fire.
I got it on my second try.
Very few things can compare with that feeling. I had just created a life giving substance from two completely different materials. I had created. It burst into flames in my own hands. ...it was amazing.

After building a few fires we gathered around the fire to have our first fire circle. David Holiday picked a topic and we went around the fire giving our thoughts.

"What is your greatest fear?"
My greatest fear is having a separate will than that of the Creator's. There is much to do and if I cannot be trusted than I cannot be a part of it.

"If you could do anything and not fail, what would it be?"
Failure is impossible if your intentions are pure. Even if something happens that is not according to plan, there is no failure involved. What rather is occurring is a progression towards an even greater end or accomplishment. All things work together for the good of him who serves God. His plan is perfect and if we go according to that plan our lives will continue forward perfectly.

The fire circle ended and we gathered leaves and grass to make our beds beside the fire.

I'd never imagined the peace I could feel outside in the middle of nothing. It was beautiful. I felt like I was in the temple... or on a mission. Direct communication with Eternity. Clear, pure, uninterrupted revelation...
I felt no opposition. It was wonderful.

We all stayed up most of the night because it was too cold to sleep. David Holiday, however, laid down beside the fire and was out within a matter of minutes. He woke up every once in a while and sang songs or would yell at us so that we wouldn't check to see what time it was. Then fell right back asleep.

People started cuddling to make themselves warmer. I cuddled with Regi and Jessica (my two new roommates!) but only for a little bit.

At about 3 a.m. Dave asked me if I was interested in sleeping warm. I said yes. He took me over to a neglected fire that had just been burning coals for the past few hours. We moved the coals and covered the ground where they had been in a thick bed of grass. He had me lay down on top of it (checking every few minutes to make sure that I wasn't burning) and piled leaves on top of me. I was asleep within seconds. The warmth felt so good and my body was so tired from having driven the whole day before.

I'd felt more peaceful than I had in weeks. Life was so simple. Life was so calm.

Getting There.

7 o'clock a.m.
Andy and I meet up by my car to start our 11 hour long ride to Mesa, Arizona.
We wait 30 minutes for the man to come take the boot off my car. I give the man 50 dollars.

We drive.

"Cove Fort: historical site for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints",
of course we stop.
We tell the missionary we only have a few minutes so he skips the 12 minute video and only gives us the hour long tour ( which i loved :)).

We stop in Nevada to get gas. I lock my keys in my car and we end up hanging out in a town, that I now will never return to, for over 2 hours. We called 3 different companies and individuals before we could find someone that comes to help us out. I give Jim, the man of the hour, 60 dollars.

We drive some more.

Eventually, after a few more hours and events, we pull into a church parking lot across from Quinn's house. We drive around the University he works at for a few minutes and then get to bed around 2 a.m.

We get up at 6 to be at work by 8.

That's my whole reason for going to Arizona: "work".
I have one purpose in life and that involves the spreading of truth. Whole, simple truth. My current objective is to discover an individuals perception and how truth might be perceived by them. I want to be mold able so that I can help provide what is necessary for that truth to be recognized and then, depending on the will of the individual, grasped and applied.

ANASAZI foundation appeared to provide circumstances that would allow me to get to know and hopefully understand individuals who have done questionable things and therefore may have had questionable backgrounds and currently have differing views and/or perceptions than the rest of the "civilized" society.

What I have discovered at ANASAZI so far has been far beyond what my original hopes have been. It fits in more with my dreams and desires than I'd even known. It has completed my dream of possibility as of right now.

Truth abounds in the organization and in the philosophy and I felt it within the very first few minutes that I was inside the office.